Life in the backblocks is more or less somewhat boring, especially if there is limited finance. No “clubs of like minds” to attend. Long stretches of twiddling thumbs, sleeping, watching TV, being driven insane – well, further into insanity – by invasions of hundreds, nay, thousands; of persistent, investigative sugar ants; a half dozen bushflies; and a flock of extremely stupid raucous white cockatoos who seem to be quite oblivious to the fact that what they might consider merry conversation – translates into 500 fingernails dragged across a blackboard – day after endless day.
Now, while I might quite like the local wildlife – enough is enough. The local gun club has sort of been active of late (with “official” permission, of course). Might soon consider joining them. The ants .. ah, persistent little bastards. Have tried spreading “ant sand” in a wide swathe around the van. Trickled “ant rid”, apparently unsuccessfully, into every probable access point. Still find multitudes of the little invaders everywhere.
The bushflies .. um, there are only 6 or so. Have tried every commercially available deterrent or weapon of mass destruction. Even a UV zapper sort of gadget. Either they are completely immune – or reproduce and genetically adapt overnight.
However, began with the story of my vanishing cells.
Am more or less aware of what my body is doing. About four weeks ago became aware of a small, but odd group of brownish lumps located down near my right ankle, mostly because they itched. Um, think I. Not insect bites, not moles. Became concerned – through why skin cancer would be located in that particular spot was interesting. Very rarely wear “short” pants 'n' thongs. Fore-arms and/or face perhaps. Exposed to sunlight all day, every day for most of my life. So, thinks; Oh well, don't have much else to do, worth checking out, so wandered up to the local hospital, made an appointment to see the local Vet (medical practitioner in anyone else's jargon).
Sheesh, the laddie was younger than my son. We had a bittuva chat, he looked at it, decided he wasn't sure, called in the Doc from the office next door. Gah, are you guys twins, ask I. Well, they were about the same age and did look alike. Second doc recommended a biopsy. “oh goody”, say i, “love biopics”.
(yer, well, everyone around here thinks I'm crazy. In the words of one of the locals .. “well .. the nicest thing people are saying about you is ... um, eccentric”).
So, duly made appointment for biopsy one week hence. Duly turned up, lay on couch, had local anaesthetic needle (that hurt), watched young laddie poke some sort of probe into leg, extract 2milX2mil piece of my flesh, drop it into a plastic specimen container, duly labelled.
Ok, sez he, call us in about a week. Twiddled thumbs for 7 days. Didn't want to spend much on a phone call, walked to Clinic. Nah, nothing found, sez nurse/receptionist. Fine by me, forgot about it.
Went to post office a few days later – well, might be something from SS department, heh. Letter from clinic. Please contact us, nothing “sinister” (well, obviously, was from my “right” leg .. heh). So walked to clinic. Ah, says receptionist, doc wants to have a chat with you, appointment in 4 days. Oh well, don't have much else to do apart from bloody well “waiting”.
Turn up at clinic again. Ah, sez the vet, we've lost your sample, we'll have to take another one. Wot? sez I.
Apparently my tissues have vanished. Despatched duly sealed in plastic container. Laboratory tells them container arrived – but no sample.
TOLD yas .. I don't exist. Laboratory tests PROVE it.