Saturday, June 03, 2006


This one's been around for a while, but worth a run.

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The program would, of course, be administered by a top level committee from participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replased by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters could be made with one less key.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. The would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always ben a deterant to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and pepl would be reseptiv to steps sush as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vish is, after al, half a 'w'.
Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be droped from vords kontaining 'ou' Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinashuns of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riting styl. After tventi yers, Ze drems ov z guvermunt vud finali hav kum tru.

Zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Zer iz, ov kors, furver modifikashun updates kreatd by teknologi. In ze interst ov speding up comunikashun sum letr grups kud b replacd by numbrs. Zis is 1drfl and gr8ly asists cre8v riting. I w8 wiv b8d breth 4 th next Tolstoy or Shaksper.

Hav a gr8 day, m8s. c u l8r.


Link said...

I saws a vombat today und tort ov u.

Anne Johnson said...

aint no one asked what kinda anglish iz best fer all ta speak. I votes fer Merican hillbilly speaked with Aussie accent. Now that twould be a tripper!

Davo said...

errm, sorry Anne, am still one of those 'olde tyme' linguists..heh. (in least. Come to my house and I'll 'speak' how i speak.)