More Merry Christmasies

There are, of course, many ways to look at this season of Festivities. It has always struck me as odd to be celebrating what is essentially a "midwinter" Festival at the height of summer. To see a jolly gent dressed in fur trimmings, when the temperature is hovering around 35C (or somewhere near 100F), to see pine trees and windows covered with 'representative' snow. Most Australians have never seen snow. (and for those in the northern hemisphere who celebrate the return of the sun .. Yup, we will be getting sick of it soon, and you can have it back; it was only a borrow.)

However, in the spirit of Good Cheer, am posting this.

I pinched it from this feisty lady's blog
which is a veritable treasure trove of jokes. (and I thought that I'd seen them all.)

December 1 Memo FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1 RE: Christmas Party.
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar,but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

December 2 Memo FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party. In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

December 3 MemoFROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party.
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a nondrinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

December 7 MemoFROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party.
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

December 8 Memo FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party.
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth based Goddessworshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

December 9 Memo FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party.
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

December 10 Memo FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party.
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. tomatoes scream when you slice them i've heard them scream i'm hearing them scream right now!

December 14 Memo FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party.
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.We hope that this change does not offend anyone.