Saturday, April 21, 2007

the langwidge Inglish (2)

..or Tips for Aspiring Writers; How to write a Metaphor.

Found this one on the web quite some time ago, but has been languishing on the hard drive. Thought it worth a pasted post.

[ The Top 5 List ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]


20> His body was hard -- not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.

19> Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.

18> Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.

17> Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.

16> As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.

15> Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.

14> ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.

13> Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.

12> With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign -- yet she could NOT!

11> He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.

10> His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.

9> Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's adoring gaze.

8> Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.

7> Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.

6> With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.

5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.

4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.

3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

and's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...

1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.


Fleming said...

I certainly wish I'd had this valuable instruction when I used to write dirty books. I quickly found that most obvious similes or metaphors or descriptions for breasts and sexual organs occurred about 100 times within each of about 1000 books. . . the most popular being "her heaving mounds" and "his manhood". No wonder the poor dirty book writers produced some of the most ridiculous prose every written: They were trying to be original, as in the examples you posted.

JahTeh said...

'week old road kill', oh that image is going to be with me for a looong time.

BBC said...



Davo said...

JT, if anyone, when naked in my immediate vicinity, collapses in incoherent laughter .. will just assume that they have read that one .. heh.

GreenSmile said...

cantypetoobusygiggling like the school girl with the submachinegun.