Paddy was in the confessional. After the preliminary rituals the priest asked for specifics.A visiting priest came to a small country town and asked a young boy to direct him to the church where he would be preaching that afternoon. After the boy had given directions, the priest said to him: "You must come along this afternoon and bring all your friends."
"What have you been up to, Paddy?"
"Pinchin' timber, Father."
"Three Hail Marys."
Next week, Paddy was back again.
"What is it this time, Paddy?"
"Pinchin' timber again, Father."
But the third week, when Paddy confessed he'd been pinching timber again, the priest paused, then gave him his penance.
"Paddy, I'm going to ask you to make a novena for me."
"No problem , Father. You get me the plans, and I'll pinch the timber."
"What for?"
"Because I'll tell you all how to get to Heaven."
"Shit! You must be joking. You didn't even know how to get to the church."
"Which parable in the bible do you like best?" Sister Louisa asked her youngest pupil in Religious Instruction.
"The one about the bloke who loafs and fishes," he replied.
At the graduation ceremony of St. Angela's Girls College, Sister Theresa addressed the assembled girls about their future.
"Today is a big step into your future life. You will meet with many temptations. Undoubtedly you will meet many men who will try to take advantage of you sexually. Do not respond to their advances. Always remember, one hour of pleasure can result in the ruin of your whole life, and that of your family. Now, do any of you have any questions?"
"Yes Sister, how do I make it last an hour?"
Father O'Reilly was trying to explain Faith to his congregation.
"In the front row we have Sean and Maureen O'Hara with their nine children. Maureen knows they are her children. That's knowledge. Sean believes they are his children. That's Faith."
6 comments:
From a little book named "The world's best catholic jokes". compiled by John Gurney. Published by Angus and Robertson.
pretty good, clean enough to tell in the office.
robert from delaware
they r wonderful .One of the best I have heard in ages.
Thanx
The second last one with Sister Theresa is a bit close to the truth. I remember - how could I ever forget - Sister Christina who used to tell us 14 and 15 year olds back in the late '50s how we should not wear petticoats with straps. They had to have full shoulders. And when a girl was raped and murdered a couple of hours away from us, we were told that it had to do with her wearing shorts. But I doubt that Christina would have known much herself - she entered the convent when she was 15 years old.
Two Catholic priests were determined to have the best vacation of their lives. They decide on Hawaii and to never wear their Roman collars while on vacation.
First day, they decide to go to a very remote beach. Dressed in brightly colored swim trunks and the latest designer sunglasses, they stretch out on their beach lounge chairs and enjoy their pina coladas.
Along comes this very beautiful, big breasted blonde, wearing just her bikini bottoms and sun glasses.
As she passes the two priests, she smiles and says hello father to each of them.
The priests are dumbfounded. How could she know they were priests?
The next day they go back to the same remote beach, but this time they wear even more outrageous island clothing--loud colored swim trunks, neon-colored flip-flops, straw hats with huge fake hibiscus flowers on the brim, and a pina colada in each hand.
As they're enjoying the sun, same big breasted, topless blonde comes by and again says to both of them "Hello Father."
Stunned, they call out to her as she passes them. "How do you know we're priests?"
She turns around, removes her sun glasses and says, "It's me, Sister Mary Margaret."
Hello Shaw, glad you could drop by. Umm, do I detect a note of cynicism about hypocrisy here? heh.
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